Kindly take it with a pinch of salt:
Street Foods in London
(contributed and authored by Praveen Bahl)
London is an absolute mecca for street food as can be found on any high street but you have to be aware of the strict protocol and etiquette regarding consuming this food. Deviate from my guidelines at your peril, so here goes:
MONDAY: It is always sandwiches on Mondays which must have been prepared on the previous Friday in Sandwich, Kent in giant food preparation areas by women wearing traditional white hats and pinnys which are rather like half skirts wrapped round the waist. Sandwiches are the aristocrat of street food having been invented by the Earl of Sandwich. They are always made with the whitest of bleached flour with at least 12 E number additives and the blandest of fillings such as processed cheese or egg and cress. They have to be made at least 3 days in advance for the bread to go stale and curl. The best place to buy it is in Tesco Express, Trafalgar Square who serve it in cardboard/plastic packaging to ensure hygiene.
TUESDAY: Londoners, who are so fond of Scottish food, buy from the very exclusive McDonald's based at Scotch Corner, Kensington (near Harrods). Mr Ronnie McDonald crossed the border at Hadrians Wall as he came up with an innovative idea to make use of stray cows often found wandering in the English countryside. The favourite item to eat is the hamburger which curiously does not contain any ham, so is suitable for vegans, and is considered to be highly nutritious as it meets 3x the recommended daily allowance of sugar, salt and fat. It also contributes to your 5 a day quota as it contains a slice of gherkin and wilting lettuce. This is served in purpose designed packaging designed by his now estranged sister Polly. Sadly Polly left the business after marrying Rick Styrene.
WEDNESDAY: Another favourite is chicken made to a secret recipe originally concocted by 4 * General Ken Tuckey. The good General scoured the British Empire and the Third World for the 11 herbs and spices which go into the secret recipe to make this such a nutritious low fat street fodder. Rumour has it that this delicious dish was originally designed to contain 19 herbs and spices but 8 had to be dropped after Britain broke off trade and diplomatic relations with the Second World after the disastrous global war which ended in 1945. Let me assure you that you will not be able to discern any difference especially if you go to their main branch in Poultry Street EC2R 8EJ.THURSDAY: Though not strictly a London street food chips and curry sauce has nevertheless gained a stronghold in the more exclusive postcode areas of the city. Served in exquisite imported enamelware the dish comprises thrice cooked Maris Piper potatoes and topped with a curry sauce. The Chinese takeaway – Hukkasan in Hanway Place, London W1T 1LY is my favorite.
FRIDAY: It has to be fish and chips on Friday which sadly has become the least popular street food in London due to a declining Catholic population which forbids the eating of meat on Fridays. The decline of Catholicism is so serious that the Pope had to visit Britain recently in order to market and promote this faith amongst the local heathens, atheists and Labour Party supporters. The other reason for the decline is that traditionally this dish used to be served in newspapers (for environmental reasons and to save on washing up) and as you well know the newspaper industry has gone into a rapid decline in this country due to the free giveaway of iPads by the ConDem Coalition Government to everybody who can read – my understanding is that 207 have so far been given away and the non-availability of printed broadsheet produced from Norwegian spruce has ensured its terminal decline. I do not recommend that you try this street food.
SATURDAY: My special day of the week as it is doner keebab night! You can only fully appreciate this delicacy after imbibing 9 pints of cold over-carbonated lager in your local pub. This culinary delight, the king of street food (or should that be the Maharajah of Boulevard food) must never be eaten before the pubs close- my favourite time is between midnight and 2am served liberally with watered down chilli sauce which you must ensure dribbles down your favourite Paul Smith shirt in order to gain maximum street cred. Best place to buy and enjoy is Leicester Square.
SUNDAY: Never NEVER NEVER eat food on the street on a Sunday – it is against the law and I am not going to say any more on the matter.
One final bit of etiquette you must follow - NEVER NEVER completely finish any of the street food you buy. It is considered bad form, anti-NHS and it thwarts the creation of high tech and manual jobs. Let me elaborate. After consuming roughly two-thirds of your portion of street food you must carefully and artistically scatter it on the street to create your own street art. Your creative effort will be judged by remotely mounted and controlled CCTV cameras with the best endeavour awarded an Art in the Street Beautification Order (ASBO – second only to the OBE) by the local mayor. This hugely popular activity keeps an army of street cleaners in permanent employment and those who slip on the odd chip help sustain the NHS. As my final word I must implore you to follow my guidelines to the letter and sincerely hope that you are awarded an ASBO for your efforts!
Happy Eating!
